#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 9: Death of a Bachelor

Title: Death of a Bachelor

Category and Genre: Adult, Gay Romance

By: Emooy13

Word count: 81,000

 

Query:

When snooty professor Cathal Kinnery meets blue-collar chef Damon Eglamore at a gay bar, they hate each other immediately. So it’s not hard to imagine Cathal’s horror when Damon marries his best friend. When Damon’s wife dies, however, things only get worse for Cathal: not only is he losing his best friend, but her final wish is that he stay with Damon and make sure the other man makes it through his mourning.

Cathal has no intention of getting truly involved in Damon’s life–after all, they can’t speak two words to each other without getting into a shouting match. After a few weeks of living alongside Damon, though, he finds that Damon’s problems run much deeper than grief. Damon doesn’t know who he is without his wife, and as Cathal helps Damon figure it out, he slowly comes to find he wants to be part of a family again. But can the two of them actually get over their own fears enough to admit that they can help each other?

It’s going to take a cross-dressing Shakespeare production, a baking competition complete with concussions and a five foot tall T-rex cake, and Damon’s own son coming out to make the two men stop yelling long enough to find out.

 

First 250 Words:

The man sitting at the end of the bar was older than Damon, maybe twenty-four. He had a thin, fox-like face and long, dark hair that he twirled around a finger as he wrote on a napkin. A martini sat untouched in front of him, and his eyes were lost in thought. Definitely gay, but he wasn’t… intimidating. Unlike every other man who wasn’t on the dance floor or making out with someone else. 

Damon sat down next to him and gestured to the bartender for a beer. He was already a little drunk, but if he wanted to relax, he’d have to get a lot drunk. The other patron continued writing what looked like a math problem. He finished his equation, considered it, and then scribbled the whole thing out, his brow furrowed. Scowling, he drank the martini at one go. Only then did he glance in Damon’s direction. “Fuck off,” he said, biting the olive from the swizzle stick. “I’m not looking for company tonight. I came here to get drunk.”

Damon colored, but he kept the embarrassment from his voice. “Why’d you think I came here for anything different?” 

 “There’s plenty of room, but you sat by me.” He looked at Damon, taking him all in, and his eyes narrowed further. The scowl fit his face too well, and Damon didn’t appreciate his scrutiny. “And guys like you don’t come here for the conversation.”

7 thoughts on “#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 9: Death of a Bachelor”

  1. Hi! Kathy of #TeamRarity stopping by to read! My comments are my opinions only, please ignore if they don’t make sense to your ms!

    When snooty professor Cathal Kinnery meets blue-collar chef Damon Eglamore at a gay bar, they hate each other immediately. (Why do they meet? How? Why are they there?) So it’s not hard to imagine Cathal’s horror when Damon marries his best friend. (Oh dear.) When Damon’s wife dies, (NOOOO!) however, things only get worse for Cathal: not only *is he losing(<has he lost…?) his best friend, but her final wish is that he stay with Damon and make sure the other man makes it through his mourning. (Does Cathal want this? What drives him to do it…a final promise to his friend?)

    Cathal has no intention of getting truly involved in Damon’s life–after all, they can’t speak two words to each other without getting into a shouting match. (So why stay?) After a few weeks of living alongside Damon, though, he finds that Damon’s problems run much deeper than grief. Damon doesn’t know who he is without his wife, and as Cathal helps Damon figure it out (How? What does he do? I think the next para should be here, those cool details of what happened.), he slowly comes to find he wants to be part of a family again. (Instead of what? What had he wanted before?) But can the two of them actually get over their own fears enough to admit that they can help each other? (I'd get rid of the question, the final statement echoes it and questions don't do much in queryies…go for the moment Cathal faces a choice…What is the choice? What does he risk with making a decision?

    It’s going to take a cross-dressing Shakespeare production, a baking competition complete with concussions and a five foot tall T-rex cake, and Damon’s own son coming out (< I'd move this up…show what they go through, how these things start to affect Cathal's emotions) to make the two men stop yelling long enough to find out.

    Sounds like a wonderfully emotional journey! I like the details…cross-dressing Shakespeare production, a baking competition complete with concussions and a five foot tall T-rex cake…so cool! Let us know what Cathal wants at the beginning…what drives him to do what he does…then how his emotions change…and what choice he faces, then what he might lose depending on the choice he makes.

    First 250 Words:

    The man sitting at the end of the bar was older than Damon, maybe twenty-four. He had a thin, fox-like face and long, dark hair that he twirled around a finger as he wrote on a napkin. A martini sat untouched in front of him, and his eyes were lost in thought. Definitely gay, but he wasn’t… intimidating. Unlike every other man who wasn’t on the dance floor or making out with someone else. (And Damon is looking for…what?)

    Damon sat down next to him and gestured to the bartender for a beer. He was already a little drunk, but if he wanted to relax, he’d have to get a lot drunk. The other patron continued writing what looked like a math problem. He finished his equation, considered it, and then scribbled the whole thing out, his brow furrowed. Scowling, he drank the martini at one go. Only then did he glance in Damon’s direction. “Fuck off,” he said, biting the olive from the swizzle stick. “I’m not looking for company tonight. I came here to get drunk.” (Well, that wasn't nice…)

    Damon colored, but he kept the embarrassment from his voice. “Why’d you think I came here for anything different?”

    “There’s plenty of room, but you sat by me.” He looked at Damon, taking him all in, and his eyes narrowed further. The scowl fit his face too well, and Damon didn’t appreciate his scrutiny. “And guys like you don’t come here for the conversation.” (Dude. How rude.)

    After reading the query, I expected this to be in Cathal's POV. So I was a little confused. Definitely drama brewing! A rocky start, and I feel for Damon. Is the ms dual POV? If so, set up query with both characters, who they are and what they want, then bring the story lines together.
    Thanks for sharing your words!

  2. <>
    Query:

    When snooty professor Cathal Kinnery meets blue-collar chef Damon Eglamore at a gay bar, they hate each other immediately. <> So it’s not hard to imagine Cathal’s horror when Damon marries his best friend. When Damon’s wife dies, however, things only get worse for Cathal: not only is he losing his best friend, but her final wish is that he stay with Damon and make sure the other man makes it through his mourning. <>

    Cathal has no intention of getting truly involved in Damon’s life–after all, they can’t speak two words to each other without getting into a shouting match. After a few weeks of living alongside Damon, though, he finds that Damon’s problems run much deeper than grief. Damon doesn’t know who he is without his wife, and as Cathal helps Damon figure it out, he slowly comes to find he wants to be part of a family again. But can the two of them actually get over their own fears enough to admit that they can help each other?<>

    It’s going to take a cross-dressing Shakespeare production, a baking competition complete with concussions and a five foot tall T-rex cake, and Damon’s own son coming out to make the two men stop yelling long enough to find out. <>

    First 250 Words:

    The man sitting at the end of the bar was older than Damon, maybe twenty-four. He had a thin, fox-like face and long, dark hair that he twirled around a finger as he wrote on a napkin. A martini sat untouched in front of him, and his eyes were lost in thought. Definitely gay, but he wasn’t… intimidating. Unlike every other man who wasn’t on the dance floor or making out with someone else.

    Damon sat down next to him and gestured to the bartender for a beer. He was already a little drunk, but if he wanted to relax, he’d have to get a lot drunk. The other patron continued writing what looked like a math problem. He finished his equation, considered it, and then scribbled the whole thing out, his brow furrowed. Scowling, he drank the martini at one go. Only then did he glance in Damon’s direction. “Fuck off,” he said, biting the olive from the swizzle stick. “I’m not looking for company tonight. I came here to get drunk.”

    Damon colored, but he kept the embarrassment from his voice. “Why’d you think I came here for anything different?”

    “There’s plenty of room, but you sat by me.” He looked at Damon, taking him all in, and his eyes narrowed further. The scowl fit his face too well, and Damon didn’t appreciate his scrutiny. “And guys like you don’t come here for the conversation.”

  3. <>

    First 250 Words:

    The man sitting at the end of the bar was older than Damon, maybe twenty-four. He had a thin, fox-like face and long, dark hair that he twirled around a finger as he wrote on a napkin. A martini sat untouched in front of him, and his eyes were lost in thought. Definitely gay, but he wasn’t… intimidating. Unlike every other man who wasn’t on the dance floor or making out with someone else.

    Damon sat down next to him and gestured to the bartender for a beer. He was already a little drunk, but if he wanted to relax, he’d have to get a lot drunk. The other patron continued writing what looked like a math problem. He finished his equation, considered it, and then scribbled the whole thing out, his brow furrowed. Scowling, he drank the martini at one go. <> Only then did he glance in Damon’s direction.<> “Fuck off,” he said, biting the olive from the swizzle stick. “I’m not looking for company tonight. I came here to get drunk.” <>

    Damon colored, but he kept the embarrassment from his voice. “Why’d you think I came here for anything different?”

    “There’s plenty of room, but you sat by me.” He looked at Damon, taking him all in <>, and his eyes narrowed further. The scowl fit his face too well, and Damon didn’t appreciate his scrutiny. “And guys like you don’t come here for the conversation.”

    <>

  4. Query:
    When snooty professor Cathal Kinnery meets blue-collar chef Damon Eglamore at a gay bar, they hate each other immediately. So it’s not hard to imagine Cathal’s horror when Damon marries his best friend. When Damon’s wife dies, however, things only get worse for Cathal: not only is he losing his best friend, but her final wish is that he stay with Damon and make sure the other man makes it through his mourning.

    Cathal has no intention of getting truly involved in Damon’s life–after all, they can’t speak two words to each other without getting into a shouting match. After a few weeks of living alongside Damon, though, he finds that Damon’s problems run much deeper than grief. Damon doesn’t know who he is without his wife, and as Cathal helps Damon figure it out, he slowly comes to find he wants to be part of a family again. But can the two of them actually get over their own fears enough to admit that they can help each other?

    It’s going to [change to “It will”] take a cross-dressing Shakespeare production, a baking competition complete with concussions [comma no and…I know it changes the meaning slightly, but it reads better], a [hyphenate] five-foot-tall T-rex cake, and Damon’s own son coming out to make the two men stop yelling long enough to find out.

    First 250 Words:
    The man sitting at the end of the bar was older than Damon, maybe twenty-four. He had a thin, foxlike [no hyphen. Foxlike is a word!] face and long, dark hair that he twirled around a finger as he wrote on a napkin. A martini sat untouched in front of him, and his eyes were lost in thought. Definitely gay, but he wasn’t… intimidating. Unlike every other man who wasn’t [consider adding “already” here, for flow] on the dance floor or making out with someone else.
    Damon sat down next to him and gestured to the bartender for a beer. He was already a little drunk, but if he wanted to relax, he’d have to get a lot drunk. The other patron continued writing what looked like a math problem. He finished his equation, considered it, and then scribbled the whole thing out, his brow furrowed. Scowling, he drank the martini at one go. Only then did he glance in Damon’s direction. “Fuck off,” he said, biting the olive from the swizzle stick. “I’m not looking for company tonight. I came here to get drunk.”
    Damon colored, but he kept the embarrassment from his voice. “Why’d you think I came here for anything different?”
    “There’s plenty of room, but you sat by me.” He looked at Damon, taking him all in, and his eyes narrowed further. The scowl fit his face too well, and Damon didn’t appreciate his scrutiny. “And guys like you don’t come here for the conversation.”
    [Intriguing premise with lots of feels, and catchy beginning! Right into the emotional conflict. I like it.]

  5. I love the ending of the query but I’m not sure about the opening. Setting it up as the major love interest gets married first is a really tricky thing to pull off. I’d cut to the chase: his best friend has died and Cathal promised her to be there to comfort the deceased’s bi-widower.

    That’s still a lot of emotion to overcome, but done right I think it could be a cute book.

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