#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 8: Nightmare Beauty

Title: Nightmare Beauty

Category and Genre: YA Paranormal Romance

Word Count 82,000By: Soulzero777

 

Query:

Rachel Summers has never understood why she was cursed. That is, until a mysterious elderly woman visits her with strange warnings. While catching up on sleep at Dr. Jefferson’s Mind Management Laboratory, Rachel unexpectedly meets Aaron Winters, a boy who is under the same curse as she is. As their relationship grows and takes an unforeseen turn, so do the nightmares-dark creatures who frighten their targets to gather fear for their leader-as they grow more deadly and powerful.

Breaking The Nightmare Curse would be a dream come true for Rachel and Aaron, if they weren’t busy figuring out their mutual attraction for one another or saving each other from the nightmares as they appear in the daytime and in public. Add The Nightmare Witch’s obsession and determination with Rachel to control her body and imprison her in her own mind. Now, Rachel and Aaron must learn from the elderly woman’s tragic past to save not only themselves, but also every child in the world.

 

First 250 Words:

Rachel Summers giggled as she skipped in a field of blooming flowers. There were flowers of every single color. She made sure she said “hello,” to each flower. She smiled as she sniffed their warm and light fragrance. The sun was shining high in the sky. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky and there was a very light breeze.

Her mommy and daddy were with her too. Rachel and her mommy were both wearing dresses with a floral design on them. Rachel’s was a light blue. Her mommy’s was a light purple. And her daddy was wearing a long-sleeved light blue white buttoned T-shirt and khakis. Rachel and her parents giggled and smiled when the petals and leaves tickled their bare feet.

The flowers went on for miles and Rachel was in complete contentment with her parents.

Rachel smiled as she hugged her mommy. Her daddy happily wrapped his arms around his two favorite girls.

“I’m five years old,” she said, holding five of her fingers.

“That’s right, honey,” her mommy beamed

The three of them played in the flowers. Their laughter filled the air. Then, they played “Ring Around the Rosie” and a flower color guessing game. Then Rachel’s parents disappeared. And the joined family laughter disappeared as well. 

“Mommy?! Daddy?!” Rachel called. But, only silence and the cold rush of the wind returned. She looked around in every direction and began to cry.

3 thoughts on “#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 8: Nightmare Beauty”

  1. Hi! Kathy from #TeamRarity popping in to read! My comments are my opinion only. If they give a boost to your creativity, great! If not, ignore them!

    (Age?) Rachel Summers has never understood why she was cursed. (Oh…a curse! Nice! What does the curse do?) That is, until a mysterious elderly woman visits her with strange warnings. (vague…what warnings?) While catching up on sleep at Dr. Jefferson’s Mind Management Laboratory (why is she in a laboratory?), Rachel *unexpectedly(<don't need) meets Aaron Winters, a boy who is under the same curse as she is. (What is the curse?) As their relationship grows and takes an unforeseen turn,(grows and takes an unforeseen turn? Meaning what? Details please!) so do the nightmares-dark creatures who frighten their targets to gather fear for their leader-as they grow more deadly and powerful. (Wait…DARK CREATURES!!?!?!? YES! How do we know these things are more than nightmares? How do we know what they are doing? Who is their leader? Is this Rachel POV…Rachel and Aaron POV? Do they know what the creatures want…if not give us what they experience.)

    Breaking The Nightmare Curse (Can name this earlier? Do they have a name for it before or do they just name it later? They never had the dreams before?) they would be a dream come true for Rachel and Aaron, if they weren’t busy figuring out their mutual attraction for one another or saving each other from the nightmares as they appear in the daytime and in public. Add The Nightmare Witch’s (Who is this Nightmare Witch? I LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS.) obsession and determination with Rachel to control her body and imprison her in her own mind. (So the witch wants to take over Rachel's body?) Now, Rachel and Aaron must learn from the elderly woman’s (the one from before, the one with the warnings? Is she back? How do they know to talk to her? How can she help them?) tragic past (vague, what past? What happened?) to save not only themselves, but also every child in the world. (Learn to break the curse…or Rachel is no more? The Witch takes over her body? What about every child in the world? How are they in danger?)

    This is a bit vague. Small details can give us something to remember. And I'm missing how everything links together. The strange old woman, who ends up being important. The Witch. The dark creatures. How do we get to know the witch and what she wants? How do we know what the creatures want? What is this laboratory? Why does the Witch want Rachel's body? How are they going to stop the Witch? Who created the curse? How do they break it?

    First 250 Words:

    Rachel Summers giggled as she skipped in a field of blooming flowers. There were flowers of every single color. (Combine first two sentences? …field of blooming flowers of every single color.) She made sure she said “hello,” to each flower. She smiled as she sniffed their warm and light fragrance. The sun *was shining(<shone) high in the sky. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky and there was a very light breeze. (Watch repeat of "There was" and "flowers". How do all these make her feel?)

    Her mommy and daddy were with her too. Rachel and her mommy were both wearing dresses with a floral design on them. Rachel’s was a light blue. Her mommy’s was a light purple. And her daddy *was wearing(<wore) a long-sleeved light blue white buttoned T-shirt and khakis. Rachel and her parents giggled and smiled when the petals and leaves tickled their bare feet.

    The flowers went on for miles and Rachel was in complete contentment with her parents. (A little awkward to read…make it stronger. Make the emotion stronger.)

    Rachel smiled as she hugged her mommy. Her daddy happily wrapped his arms around his two favorite girls.

    “I’m five years old,” she said, holding *up(?) five of her fingers.

    “That’s right, honey,” her mommy beamed. (And Rachel reacts how to this?)

    The three of them played in the flowers. Their laughter filled the air. Then, they played “Ring Around the Rosie” and a flower color guessing game. Then Rachel’s parents disappeared. And the joined family laughter disappeared as well.

    “Mommy?! Daddy?!” Rachel called. But, only silence and the cold rush of the wind returned. She looked around in every direction and began to cry. (Let us feel her panic.)

    Watch repeat of "flower". I want to know what the heck happened! Where are her parents?

    Thanks for sharing your words!

  2. Query:
    Rachel Summers has never understood why she was cursed. That is, until a mysterious elderly woman visits her with strange warnings. While catching up on sleep at Dr. Jefferson’s Mind Management Laboratory, Rachel unexpectedly meets Aaron Winters, a boy who is under the same [I’d say Nightmare Curse to lead the reader more directly] curse as she is. As their relationship grows and takes an unforeseen turn, so do the nightmares-dark creatures who frighten their targets to gather fear for their leader[I don’t think you need the rest of this sentence – it’s assumed]as they grow more deadly and powerful.
    [This paragraph was kind of convoluted and confusing for me. I’d reword something like this:] As the Nightmares start to appear in daytime—and in public—Rachel and Aaron join forces to fight them…and their mutual attraction [I actually don’t know if this is appropriate – if they actually fight their attraction. But it was catchy 😀 The next sentence, I’d change it to give less away, tease more. I don’t know if this is appropriate, but maybe something like].
    As they get closer to figuring out why and who cursed them, they realize they have to learn from their enemy’s tragic past in order to save not only themselves, but all the children of the world.

    First 250 Words:
    I’d combine/reword sentences to avoid repetition of words. Something like this but maybe not quite. You can also try cutting out some of the adjectives and such, as an image sometimes can be more powerful with fewer adjectives – because people form their own deep impressions of words if something is left to their imagination. I don’t think you need to have her giggling and smiling, for instance, because the whole scene is one of happiness.] Rachel Summers skipped in a field of blooming flowers of every color. She said “hello,” to each one, sniffing their warm fragrance on the light breeze. The sun was shining high in the cloudless sky.
    Her mommy and daddy were with her too. Rachel and her mommy were both wearing dresses with a floral design on them. Rachel’s was a light blue. Her mommy’s was a light purple. And her daddy was wearing a long-sleeved light blue white buttoned T-shirt and khakis. Rachel and her parents giggled and smiled when the petals and leaves tickled their bare feet.
    The flowers went on for miles and Rachel was in complete contentment with her parents.
    Rachel hugged her mommy [you don’t need to say “smiled” again. We’re already picturing it]. Her daddy happily wrapped his arms around his two favorite girls.
    “I’m five years old,” she said, holding five of her fingers.
    “That’s right, honey,” her mommy beamed.
    The three of them played in the flowers. Their laughter filled the air. [Take out as many instances of “then” as you can. It’s often unnecessary] They played “Ring Around the Rosie” and a flower color guessing game.
    [New para, and reword. Make it read more abrupt, like their disappearance] Then Rachel’s parents disappeared, along with their laughter.
    “Mommy?! Daddy?!” Rachel called. But, only silence and the cold rush of the wind returned. She looked around in every direction and began to cry.
    [This is perfect. Childish delight and then spookiness. Good hook, good beginning!]

  3. Query:

    <> Rachel Summers has never understood why she was cursed. That is, until a mysterious elderly woman visits her with strange warnings <>. While catching up on sleep at Dr. Jefferson’s Mind Management Laboratory, Rachel unexpectedly meets Aaron Winters, a boy who is under the same curse as she is <>. As their relationship grows and takes an unforeseen turn, so do the nightmares-dark creatures who frighten their targets to gather fear for their leader-as they grow more deadly and powerful. <>

    Breaking The Nightmare Curse would be a dream come true for Rachel and Aaron, if they weren’t busy figuring out their mutual attraction for one another or saving each other from the nightmares as they appear in the daytime and in public <>. Add The Nightmare Witch’s obsession and determination with Rachel to control her body and imprison her in her own mind. Now, Rachel and Aaron must learn from the elderly woman’s tragic past to save not only themselves, but also every child in the world.
    <>

    First 250 Words:

    Rachel Summers giggled as she skipped in a field of blooming flowers. There were flowers of every single color. She made sure she said “hello,” to each flower. She smiled as she sniffed their warm and light fragrance. The sun was shining high in the sky. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky and there was a very light breeze. <>

    Her mommy and daddy were with her too. Rachel and her mommy were both wearing dresses with a floral design on them. Rachel’s was a light blue. Her mommy’s was a light purple. And her daddy was wearing a long-sleeved light blue white buttoned T-shirt and khakis. Rachel and her parents giggled and smiled when the petals and leaves tickled their bare feet.

    The flowers went on for miles and Rachel was in complete contentment with her parents.

    Rachel smiled as she hugged her mommy. Her daddy happily wrapped his arms around his two favorite girls.

    “I’m five years old,” she said, holding five of her fingers.

    “That’s right, honey,” her mommy beamed

    The three of them played in the flowers. Their laughter filled the air. Then, they played “Ring Around the Rosie” and a flower color guessing game. Then Rachel’s parents disappeared. And the joined family laughter disappeared as well.

    “Mommy?! Daddy?!” Rachel called. But, only silence and the cold rush of the wind returned. She looked around in every direction and began to cry.

    <>

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