#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 5: Infinity Line

Title: INFINITY LINE

Category and Genre: Adult Upmarket

Word Count: 76,000

Query:

In 2072, in a once vibrant metropolis on the eastern coast of what used to be America, biochemist Dr. Lorelei Worthington hunts men.

No lab confines this researcher; Lorelei collects her male specimens in the wild. She doses men with her exquisite molecular cocktail and changes them physically, emotionally, even intellectually. But when she doses Number 93, who turns out to be one of the governor’s men, it all comes crashing down. Lorelei finds herself trapped between a hopelessly violent world and her benefactor’s incessant drive toward a future that’s female. Exclusively female.

Unknown to Lorelei is a deviously ingenious plan for a new world after the collapse of society, a future where women use science to take complete control. For generations, baby boys are taken from their mothers, and selected women may raise only daughters. For every boy allowed to live, three baby girls are born. Men and women live apart, neither concerned nor interested in each other until forced together. In exchange for peace, the idea called family is forgotten—until a small girl named Aida gets into Boys’ School and meets a boy named Alex.

Aida, alive only to be studied for a complex social experiment, grows up with a unique perspective: she is the only girl in the world who lives with her father and knows boys. Alex, alive only because his grandmother refused to give up her son at birth, is an Infinity Man born on a Life Ticket that guarantees 80 years but provides no more rights than every other dosed and confined male. After a lifetime of secretly loving Alex and a political career fighting for men’s rights, Aida tries to save Alex from his scheduled death. But when society forgot the idea of family, love may have been lost too. And the World Council’s laws may be too entrenched for one woman to change.
First 250 Words:

In the din of the smoky bar the glassy-eyed barman, professionally cool, sauntered over. He plunked down an almost clean glass and poured in a sloppy dollop. Lorelei waived a fifty at him, but snatched it away when he reached for it. Her one insistent finger held him at attention while she threw back the golden rye. Then she gave the sweating man an encouraging nod at her glass. While he poured, his face grumpy and closed off, she winked at him and stuffed the fifty into the pocket of his wrinkled shirt. He watched her lick a splash of ethanol off her thin wrist like a lazy cat.

With her tongue circling the rim of shot number two, she scanned the crowd around the bar. Young and old, they ignored the soundless vid streams showing football on one screen, America’s czar on the next. Muscular men, slinky women, all greased and sleek. Ready to rub. She was craving salty chips, and likely licking her lips, when she noticed the curious eyes of the dark-haired guy across the room. She gave the rim of her glass an extra tongue lashing.

Fact: Tongue exposure works better than cleavage.

Too bad she couldn’t publish this statistical certainty in her research papers. Or report how the endless supply of eager men certainly simplified her experiments. She sighed and grinned back at the boy, ten years her junior, though not likely one of her biochemistry students.

Yeah, that would be awkward.

4 thoughts on “#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 5: Infinity Line”

  1. Hi! Kathy from #TeamRarity here to read and comment. All thoughts are my opinions and, hey, if they don’t work for you, just disregard.

    In 2072, in a once vibrant metropolis on the eastern coast of what used to be America, biochemist Dr. Lorelei Worthington hunts men. (I. Love. This.)

    No lab confines this researcher; Lorelei collects her male specimens in the wild. She doses men with her exquisite molecular cocktail and changes them physically, emotionally, even intellectually. (Why? Why does she do this?) But when she doses Number 93, who turns out to be one of the governor’s men, it all comes crashing down (why? Why does dosing him make it all fall apart?). Lorelei finds herself trapped between a hopelessly violent world (a violent world? what does that mean?) and her benefactor’s (Who is this?) incessant drive toward a future that’s female. Exclusively female. (Interesting!)

    Unknown to Lorelei (So not just Lorelei POV…) is a deviously ingenious plan for a new world after the collapse of society, a future where women use science to take complete control. (Who is planning this? Is this from their POV?) For generations, baby boys are taken from their mothers, and selected women may raise only daughters. For every boy allowed to live, three baby girls are born. Men and women live apart, neither concerned nor interested in each other until forced together. (For breeding purposes? But if all science…why do they need to be forced together? Science can give them babies, right?) In exchange for peace, (What peace? Between men and women?) the idea called family is forgotten—until a small girl named Aida gets into Boys’ School and meets a boy named Alex. (She sneaks into the Boys’ school? I love this a girl meets a boy thing.)

    Aida, alive only to be studied for a complex social experiment, grows up with a unique perspective: she is the only girl in the world who lives with her father and knows boys. (who is running this experiment?) Alex, alive only because his grandmother refused to give up her son at birth (refused to give up her son, Alex’s dad? How does that give her Alex?), is an Infinity Man (which is what?) born on a Life Ticket that guarantees 80 years but provides no more rights than every other dosed and confined male. After a lifetime of secretly loving Alex and a political career fighting for men’s rights, Aida (how does she know him?) tries to save Alex from his scheduled death (when he’s 80?). But when society forgot the idea of family, love may have been lost too. And the World Council’s laws may be too entrenched for one woman to change. (stakes…what choice does Aida have to make? What might happen that will devastate her if she does or doesn’t do something?)

    How does the first part of the query relate to the second? Lorelei and Aida…like two separate stories…What is the main story? How old are Aida and Alex. I thought they were kids, but then Aida is referred to as a woman?

    First 250 Words:

    In the din of the smoky bar the glassy-eyed barman, professionally cool, sauntered over. He plunked down an almost clean glass and poured in a sloppy dollop. Lorelei waived a fifty at him, but snatched it away when he reached for it. Her one insistent finger held him at attention while she threw back the golden rye. Then she gave the sweating man an encouraging nod at her glass. While he poured, his face grumpy and closed off, she winked at him and stuffed the fifty into the pocket of his wrinkled shirt. He watched her lick a splash of ethanol off her thin wrist like a lazy cat.

    With her tongue circling the rim of shot number two, she scanned the crowd around the bar. (Any sights, sounds, smells? Really put me there. A hint at what she’s doing? Why is she there?) Young and old, they ignored the soundless vid streams showing football on one screen, America’s czar on the next. (America’s czar… when is this? Or alternate Earth?) Muscular men, slinky women, all greased and sleek. Ready to rub. She was craving salty chips (all the greasy people makes her crave chips…Lol!), and likely licking her lips, when she noticed the curious eyes of the dark-haired guy across the room. She gave the rim of her glass an extra tongue lashing.

    Fact: Tongue exposure works better than cleavage. (HA!)

    Too bad she couldn’t publish this statistical certainty in her research papers. Or report how the endless supply of eager men certainly simplified her experiments. (Intriguing! Experiments…) She sighed and grinned back at the boy, ten years her junior, though not likely one of her biochemistry students.

    Yeah, that would be awkward. (HAHAHAHA!)

    Nice opening. A mystery. A bit of humor. Yet an undercurrent of something bad coming.
    Thanks for sharing your words!

  2. Query:
    In 2072, in a once vibrant metropolis on the eastern coast of what used to be America, biochemist Dr. Lorelei Worthington hunts men. [good opening line – worldbuilding, character development, and conflict]
    No lab confines this researcher; Lorelei collects her male specimens in the wild. She doses men with her exquisite molecular cocktail and changes them physically, emotionally, even intellectually [I’m ungrounded here because I want to know how and why. I would reword to put the bit at the end of the paragraph closer to the beginning. FI: Spurred by her benefactor’s incessant drive toward a future that’s exclusively female, she doses men with her exquisite…]. But when she doses Number 93, who turns out to be one of the governor’s men, it all comes crashing down. Lorelei finds herself trapped between a hopelessly violent world and her benefactor’s incessant drive toward a future that’s female. Exclusively female.
    Unknown to Lorelei is a deviously ingenious plan for a new world after the collapse of society, a future where women use science to take complete control. For generations, baby boys are taken from their mothers, and selected women may raise only daughters. For every boy allowed to live, three baby girls are born. Men and women live apart, neither concerned nor interested in each other until forced together [for sex?]. In exchange for peace [who is exchanging it for peace?], the idea called family is forgotten—until a small girl named Aida gets into Boys’ School and meets a boy named Alex. [This is interesting, but it leaves me with more questions than I want to have in a query. This system is something that’s already in place, right? It’s something that will help women take control later? How is it unknown to Lorelei? Then, I’m sort of thrown off-base by the introduction of a completely new storyline with Aida and Alex.]
    Aida, alive only to be studied for a complex social experiment, grows up with a unique perspective: she is the only girl in the world who lives with her father and knows boys. Alex, alive only because his grandmother refused to give up her son at birth, is an Infinity Man born on a Life Ticket that guarantees 80 years but provides no more rights than every other dosed and confined male. After a lifetime of secretly loving Alex and a political career fighting for men’s rights, Aida tries to save Alex from his scheduled death. But when society forgot the idea of family, love may have been lost too. And the World Council’s laws may be too entrenched for one woman to change.
    [This is a really cool concept. The query is long, and I would cut out some of the details. Concentrate on one storyline (Lorelei’s) then the other (Aida and Alex’s). Give us info on characters, conflict, and stakes for each – just enough to hook us and make us want more. And hint at how the two storylines are linked, to draw it together.]

    First 250 Words:
    In the din of the smoky bar the glassy-eyed barman, professionally cool, sauntered over. He plunked down an almost clean glass and poured in a sloppy dollop [love this]. Lorelei waived a fifty at him, but snatched it away when he reached for it. Her one insistent finger held him at attention while she threw back the golden rye. Then she gave the sweating man an encouraging nod at her glass. While he poured, his face grumpy and closed off, she winked at him and stuffed the fifty into the pocket of his wrinkled shirt. He watched her lick a splash of ethanol off her thin wrist like a lazy cat.
    With her tongue circling the rim of shot number two, she scanned the crowd around the bar. Young and old, they ignored the soundless vid streams showing football on one screen, America’s czar on the next. Muscular men, slinky women, all greased and sleek. Ready to rub. She was craving salty chips, and likely licking her lips, when she noticed the curious eyes of the dark-haired guy across the room. She gave the rim of her glass an extra tongue lashing.
    Fact: Tongue exposure works better than cleavage.
    Too bad she couldn’t publish this statistical certainty in her research papers. Or report how the endless supply of eager men certainly simplified her experiments. She sighed and grinned back at the boy, ten years her junior, though not likely one of her biochemistry students.
    Yeah, that would be awkward.
    [GREAT beginning. Good imagery, worldbuilding, character development.]

  3. Query:

    In 2072, in a once vibrant metropolis on the eastern coast of what used to be America, biochemist Dr. Lorelei Worthington hunts men. <>

    <> [No lab confines this researcher; Lorelei collects her male specimens in the wild. She doses men with her exquisite molecular cocktail and changes them physically, emotionally, even intellectually.–Delete!] But when she doses Number 93, who turns out to be one of the governor’s men, it all comes crashing down <>. Lorelei finds herself trapped between a hopelessly violent world and her benefactor’s incessant drive toward a future that’s female. Exclusively female.

    Unknown to Lorelei is a [deviously ingenious–delete] <> plan for a new world after the collapse of society, a future where women use science to take complete control. For generations, baby boys are taken from their mothers, and selected women may raise only daughters. For every boy allowed to live, three baby girls are born. Men and women live apart, neither concerned nor interested in each other until forced together. In exchange for peace, the idea called family is forgotten—until a small girl named Aida gets into Boys’ School and meets a boy named Alex.
    <>
    Aida, alive only to be studied for a complex social experiment, grows up with a unique perspective: she is the only girl in the world who lives with her father and knows boys. Alex, alive only because his grandmother refused to give up her son at birth, is an Infinity Man born on a Life Ticket that guarantees 80 years but provides no more rights than every other dosed and confined male <>. After a lifetime of secretly loving Alex and a political career fighting for men’s rights, Aida tries to save Alex from his scheduled death. But when society forgot the idea of family, love may have been lost too. And the World Council’s laws may be too entrenched for one woman to change.

    <>

    First 250 Words:

    In the din of the smoky bar the glassy-eyed barman, professionally cool, sauntered over. He plunked down an almost clean glass and poured in a sloppy dollop. Lorelei waived a fifty at him, but snatched it away when he reached for it. Her one insistent finger held him at attention while she threw back the golden rye. Then she gave the sweating man an encouraging nod at her glass. While he poured, his face grumpy and closed off, she winked at him and stuffed the fifty into the pocket of his wrinkled shirt. He watched her lick a splash of ethanol off her thin wrist like a lazy cat.

    With her tongue circling the rim of shot number two, she scanned the crowd around the bar. Young and old, they ignored the soundless vid streams showing football on one screen, America’s czar on the next. Muscular men, slinky women, all greased and sleek. Ready to rub. She was craving salty chips, and likely licking her lips, when she noticed the curious eyes of the dark-haired guy across the room. She gave the rim of her glass an extra tongue lashing.

    Fact: Tongue exposure works better than cleavage.

    Too bad she couldn’t publish this statistical certainty in her research papers. Or report how the endless supply of eager men certainly simplified her experiments. She sighed and grinned back at the boy, ten years her junior, though not likely one of her biochemistry students.

    Yeah, that would be awkward.
    <>

  4. First off, this isn’t Upmarket Women’s Fiction is Science Fiction with Handmaid’s Tale as a comp title. Upwood writes very smart SF and so do you it seems. It’s okay. Deep breath. Sales are better in SF.

    Second, the query is detailing two stories. Is the protagonist Lorelei or Aida?

    Third, the tone of the first 250 is Wry Amusement. The query is set to Grimdark. What’s the tone of the book? Match the query to it and start querying agents who rep SF.

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