#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 2: Biting Secrets

Title: BITING SECRETS

Category & Genre: YA Paranormal Romance

Word Count: 76,000

 Query:

    After experiencing a shark attack, Abigail Winters–an icy sixteen-year-old surfer–feels betrayed by the sea. Plagued by nightmares and walking blackouts, she now links her beloved ocean with a monster. Even her playful best friend Lucas can’t convince Abigail to return to the place she once called home. Fear is her new friend.

      Abigail further questions her sanity when, during her amnesic episodes, she repeatedly regains consciousness at a stranger’s front door. But, drawn to Sebastian by a telepathic connection, she discovers he’s no stranger to her at all. In fact, he’s the shark that bit her, yet she’s falling for him. Thrust into his supernatural world–where sharks are mermaids with a thirst for human prey–Abigail loses sight of her fearless independence. Hopeful to restore her confidence, she returns to the comfort of the ocean, only to trap herself in shark-infested waters. Abigail defies statistics when she’s attacked for the second time by the real predators of the sea: Sebastian’s clan. To make matters worse, she discovers Lucas is a ghost, hunting mermaids like Sebastian to extinction. 

    Now, Abigail’s torn between two sworn enemies. To protect the girl they both love, Sebastian and Lucas resist spilling blood and join forces. But, refusing to rely on men for survival, Abigail must acquire her own weapons to face her fear of the sea. Because the clan will stop at nothing to avoid exposure–and as soon as she learned their secret, she became their most desirable prey.

 

First 250 Words:

    It happened the day the world went dark. Meteorologists still have no explanation. Experts blamed the lining of the planets–others proposed NASA blocked the moon with some experimental exposition. In my opinion, the Earth stopped rotating that day. At least, it did for me. 

    I’m scrubbing my surfboard for the third time tonight, attempting to remove the stains of that day from my mind. It’s almost been a year, but I can’t escape the darkness. Now gleaming, my board reaches at me with hopeful operation, but I won’t bend to its will. Not now, not ever again.

    “Abigail,” his voice calls over the two-way radio. 

    I scrub harder, stripping it of the lies, its betrayal, of its vivid bloody warranty. 

    “Abigail, it’s going to disintegrate.”

    I glance over my shoulder, sighing. Lucas leans against his balcony, smirking at me. His wild ringlets are sculpted to the base of his head, indicating fatigue. 

    I groan and grab my radio. “What do you want, Lucas?” 

    “You can’t scare me away, ice queen. It’s a full moon.”

    I curse under my breath, standing to face him. Lucas and I have been toying with walkie-talkies since we were ten years old. We only live a few feet from each other, our balconies peering over the water at proportionate levels. On a serene night, our voices even stretch within reach. But tonight, the waves crash with ferocious intentions, snapping and snarling in an undulating captivity.

 

3 thoughts on “#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 2: Biting Secrets”

  1. Query:
    After experiencing a shark attack, Abigail Winters–an icy [I’m not sure what this means. Ice queen?] sixteen-year-old surfer–feels betrayed by the sea. Plagued by nightmares and walking blackouts, she now links her beloved ocean with a monster. Even her playful best friend Lucas can’t convince Abigail to return to the place she once called home. Fear is her new friend.
    Abigail further questions her sanity when, during her amnesic episodes, she repeatedly regains consciousness at a stranger’s front door. But, drawn to Sebastian by a telepathic connection [this is a little out of left field; the query has been very non-magical, and now there’s a telepathic connection. I’d reword. Something like “She seems to share a telepathic connection with Sebastian”, but if you can make that less generic by dropping in a word that makes the nature or manifestation of the connection clearer, that’s even better – hint on whether they hear each other’s thoughts, see each other’s pasts…or something. Does that make sense?], she discovers he’s no stranger to her at all. In fact, he’s the shark that bit her, yet she’s falling for him [Oooh! Good hook. I’d reword: “Abigail is falling for the shark who bit her”].
    [New Paragraph]Thrust into his supernatural world–where sharks are mermaids with a thirst for human prey–Abigail loses sight of her fearless independence. Hopeful [I’d take out “hopeful”] to restore her confidence, she returns to the comfort of the ocean, only to trap herself [this makes it seem like she trapped herself there on purpose] in shark-infested waters. Abigail defies statistics when she’s attacked for the second time by the real predators of the sea: Sebastian’s clan. To make matters worse, she discovers Lucas is a ghost, hunting mermaids like Sebastian to extinction. [This paragraph is a little confusing for me. I want to know that she’s pulled into the supernatural world, and the stuff about sharks being mermaids with a thirst for human prey. But the stakes of regaining her confidence are a little thin here. I would take out that part, and concentrate on the sharks-are-mermaids info and also the Lucas-is-a-ghost info – I want a touch more worldbuilding about how that works]
    The clan will stop at nothing to avoid exposure–and as soon as she learned their secret, she became their most desirable prey. [Put this here, to keep us grounded about what they’re protecting her from, then reword:] Sebastian and Lucas—sworn enemies—nevertheless join forces to protect the girl they both love. Abigail, torn between them, refuses to rely on men for survival. She must acquire her own weapons to face that which awaits her in the sea [I’d say something like this last part, because it’s deeper-sounding stakes. Facing her fear of the sea sounds too light].
    First 250 Words:
    It happened the day the world went dark. [Good first line] Meteorologists still have no explanation. Experts blamed the lining [I’d say alignment] of the planets–others proposed NASA blocked the moon with some experimental exposition [this is an interesting word to use here, but I get it]. In my opinion, the Earth stopped rotating that day. At least, it did for me.
    I’m scrubbing my surfboard for the third time tonight, attempting to remove the stains of that day from my mind. It’s almost been a year, but I can’t escape the darkness. Now gleaming, my board reaches at me with hopeful operation, but I won’t bend to its will. Not now, not ever again.
    “Abigail,” his voice calls over the two-way radio.
    I scrub harder, stripping it of the lies, its betrayal, of its vivid bloody warranty [A lot of interesting word choices here. What a cool voice].
    “Abigail, it’s going to disintegrate.”
    I glance over my shoulder, sighing. Lucas leans against his balcony [I’d give us an idea of how she sees him, because we know he isn’t in the room, so this is ungrounding]. Out the window? Next apartment?], smirking at me. His wild ringlets are sculpted to the base of his head, indicating fatigue [because they’re molded with sweat?].
    I groan and grab my radio. “What do you want, Lucas?”
    “You can’t scare me away, ice queen. It’s a full moon.”
    I curse under my breath, standing to face him. Lucas and I have been toying with walkie-talkies since we were ten years old. We only live a few feet from each other, our balconies peering over the water at proportionate levels [If you give us an image above to orient us, you can reword]. On a serene night, our voices even stretch within reach. But tonight, the waves crash with ferocious intentions, snapping and snarling in an undulating captivity [nice image!].
    [Excellent entry!]

  2. Hi! Kathy here from #TeamRarity leaving a few thoughts. If my wild ramblings help spark a few ideas, GREAT! If not, please ignore!

    After experiencing (experiencing? or surviving? Barely surviving, but with scars?) a shark attack, Abigail Winters–an icy sixteen-year-old surfer–feels betrayed by the sea. (good set up) Plagued by nightmares and walking blackouts (that must have been some attack! Or is something else messing with her?), she now links her beloved ocean with a monster. Even her playful best friend Lucas can’t convince Abigail to return to the place she once called home. Fear is her new friend. (Don’t know if you need that last sentence. I want to know what she wants? To be able to go back to the sea? To not be afraid? What is driving her through the story?)
    Abigail further questions her sanity when, (<Don't think you need the beginning of this sentence…go into what gets in the way of what she wants…the conflicts… Maybe give us a When she repeatedly wakes from her amnesic…door, she can't deny the pull of the boy at the other side, Sebastian. )during her amnesic episodes, she repeatedly regains consciousness at a stranger’s front door. But, drawn to Sebastian by a telepathic connection (How does she know it's telepathic connection?), she discovers he’s no stranger to her at all. In fact, he’s the shark that bit her, yet she’s falling for him. (NO WAY! WHAT?!?!?!) Thrust into his supernatural world–where sharks are mermaids with a thirst for human prey (HOLY SEA MONSTERS, ABIGAIL! I am going over and over this sharks are mermaids thing…Like…human torsos and shark tails? AND WITH TEETH? DO I have that right?) –Abigail loses sight of her fearless independence. (But she isn't fearless…she is afraid of the place she loved, the sea…her independence has been messed up by the blackouts.) Hopeful to restore her confidence, (Okay…here's what drives her!) she returns to the comfort of the ocean (To face the ocean, to hope it can be comforting again?), only to trap herself in shark-infested waters (So she goes in? And uh-oh). Abigail defies statistics when she’s attacked for the second time by the real predators of the sea: Sebastian’s clan. (whoa…and she escapes? How? And they are mad she gets away?) To make matters worse, she discovers Lucas is a ghost, hunting mermaids like Sebastian to extinction. (WAIT…WHAT? A MERMAID-HUNTING GHOST!?!?!? This is magical. How does she discover it?)

    Now, Abigail’s torn between two sworn enemies. To protect the girl they both love, Sebastian and Lucas resist spilling blood and join forces. (This last sentence is in the boys POV…how does Abigail see them? They both love her? Aw.) But, refusing to rely on men for survival, Abigail must acquire her own weapons to face her fear of the sea. (WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DOES SHE DO?) Because the clan will stop at nothing to avoid exposure–and as soon as she learned their secret, she became their most desirable prey. (So the clan has decided her knowing the truth is a risk and want her dead. She is going to face the clan, fight them? To gain her independence, to rid herself of her fear? What's her big decision here? To fight or run? To always be afraid or face those who want her dead? What of the boys, what does she want from them? So stakes…her life is on the line…if she does or doesn't do what?)

    First 250 Words:

    It happened the day the world went dark. Meteorologists still have no explanation. Experts blamed the lining of the planets–others proposed NASA blocked the moon with some experimental exposition. In my opinion, the Earth stopped rotating that day. At least, it did for me. (Dude. Nice. Yeah…I'm in.)

    (Where is she? What is around her? What can she see, hear, smell? Set the scene.) I’m scrubbing my surfboard for the third time tonight, attempting to remove the stains of that day from my mind. It’s almost been a year, but I can’t escape the darkness. Now gleaming, my board reaches at me with hopeful operation, but I won’t bend to its will. Not now, not ever again. (oh…sad)

    “Abigail,” his (His? Who his?) voice calls over the two-way radio. (what does his voice sound like?)

    I scrub harder, stripping it of the lies, its betrayal, of its vivid bloody warranty. (Love this.)

    “Abigail, it’s going to disintegrate.”

    I glance over my shoulder, sighing. Lucas leans against his balcony, smirking at me. (Wait…where is he? Where is she?) His wild ringlets are sculpted to the base of his head, indicating fatigue. (How does hair indicate fatigue?)

    I groan and grab my radio. “What do you want, Lucas?” (How does she feel here? Annoyed? Doesn't want to talk to him? Or is she happy he's there?)

    “You can’t scare me away, ice queen. It’s a full moon.” (Cause he has super powers from the moon that won't let her scare him?)

    I curse under my breath, standing to face him. Lucas and I have been toying with walkie-talkies since we were ten years old. We only live a few feet from each other, our balconies peering over the water at proportionate levels. On a serene night, our voices even stretch within reach. But tonight, the waves crash with ferocious intentions, snapping and snarling in an undulating captivity.

    Interesting! I want to know what happened to her, that she is trying to forget! The relationship between her and Lucas seems fun! I want to know them better.

  3. Query:

    After [experiencing–delete] <> a shark attack, <> [–an icy sixteen-year-old surfer–-delete] feels betrayed by the sea. Plagued by nightmares and walking blackouts, she now links her beloved ocean with a monster. Even her <> [playful best friend Lucas–delete] can’t convince Abigail to return to the place she once called home. Fear is her new friend. <>

    Abigail further questions her sanity when, during her amnesic episodes, she [repeatedly–delete] regains consciousness at a stranger’s front door. But, drawn to Sebastian by a telepathic connection, she discovers he’s no stranger to her at all. In fact, he’s the shark that bit her, yet she’s falling for him. <>Thrust into his supernatural world–where sharks are mermaids with a thirst for human prey–Abigail loses sight of her fearless independence. Hopeful to restore her confidence, she returns to the comfort of the ocean, only to trap herself in shark-infested waters. Abigail defies statistics when she’s attacked for the second time by the real predators of the sea: Sebastian’s clan. To make matters worse, she discovers Lucas is a ghost, hunting mermaids like Sebastian to extinction. <>

    Now, Abigail’s torn between two sworn enemies. To protect the girl they both love, Sebastian and Lucas resist spilling blood and join forces. <> But, refusing to rely on men for survival, Abigail must acquire her own weapons to face her fear of the sea. Because the clan will stop at nothing to avoid exposure–and as soon as she learned their secret, she became their most desirable prey.

    First 250 Words:

    It happened the day the world went dark. Meteorologists still have no explanation. Experts blamed the lining of the planets–others proposed NASA blocked the moon with some experimental exposition. In my opinion, the Earth stopped rotating that day. At least, it did for me. <>

    I’m scrubbing my surfboard for the third time tonight, attempting to remove the stains of that day from my mind. It’s almost been a year, but I can’t escape the darkness. Now gleaming, my board reaches at me with hopeful operation, but I won’t bend to its will. Not now, not ever again.

    “Abigail,” his<> voice calls over the two-way radio.

    I scrub <> harder, stripping it of the lies, its betrayal, of its vivid bloody warranty.

    “Abigail, it’s going to disintegrate.”

    I glance over my shoulder, sighing. Lucas leans against his balcony, smirking at me. His wild ringlets are sculpted to the base of his head, indicating fatigue. <>

    I groan and grab my radio. “What do you want, Lucas?”

    “You can’t scare me away, ice queen. It’s a full moon.”

    I curse under my breath, standing to face him. Lucas and I have been toying with walkie-talkies since we were ten years old. We only live a few feet from each other, our balconies peering over the water at proportionate levels. On a serene night, our voices even stretch within reach. But tonight, the waves crash with ferocious intentions, snapping and snarling in an undulating captivity.
    <>

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