#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 1: Accounting for it All

Title: Accounting for it All

Category and Genre: Adult, Romantic Suspense

Word count: 89,000

 Query:

When porn-star-turned-accountant Robin Whethers becomes the target of an IRS audit, she figures things can’t get any worse. She’s unwittingly been at the center of a vast money laundering scheme, and to top it off, she has no real accounting knowledge.

Still, somehow the audit is the least of her problems.

Hanging over her is the impending death of her terminally ill mother to whom Robin is estranged. Then there’s the accounting instructor she enlists to help her survive the audit: against her better judgement, she can’t manage to contain her blossoming feelings for him.

Oh, and the woman Robin considers to be the love of her life? She’s back in town, finally ready to try to make things work.

Robin may think she can confront her greatest challenge by learning to juggle numbers, but if she’s to ever be whole, she’ll have to learn how to juggle much more than that… before she winds up in jail, her mother passes without the two of them reconciling their differences, and the woman she loves disappears from her life once more.

First 250 Words:

Thursdays are my favorite days at Pornucopia.

For starters, it’s payday. Seconds, it’s in-house filming day, which means I finally get to work as a talent consultant.

It really is the simplest of things that make Thursdays the best of days, and there isn’t anything more predictable than the Thursday morning safe-looting operation.

I keep quiet and enter the back office—my office, technically—and plop to my knees at the base of the filing cabinet. The bottom drawer slides out with a terrible squeak—Jerry still hasn’t lubed it up with that WD40 like he promised—and I remove the tiny safe from it, turning it over in my hands.

As the combination flows from my fingertips, I imagine the conversation I’ll have with Jerry once I empty the safe and round the corner from my own office and into his.

“Hey, Jer?” I’ll say.

“Yeah, Robin?”

“Only got a few thousand in the safe this week. Still want me to—?”

He’ll throw his hands up, looking all exasperated. “Always. Go. To. The. Bank. Every Thursday. No matter how much or how little is in there. Always. Go. To. The. Bank.”

I’ll repeat “always go to the bank” with him as he says it for the second time. “Right. How could I forget?”

“Never forget.” 

Back in the real world where I’m kneeling in my office, the safe beeps open and I get to counting the fat stack of cash inside. If Jerry’s makeshift receipt can be believed, we’re a tick under sixty-two hundred bucks. 

9 thoughts on “#SonOfAPitch #TeamDiscord Entry 1: Accounting for it All”

  1. Welcome to #TeamDiscord! Can’t wait to dive in.
    Query:
    When porn-star-turned-accountant Robin Whethers becomes the target of an IRS audit [that’s a great, unique hook], she figures things can’t get any worse. She’s unwittingly been at the center of a vast money laundering scheme [another thing that hooks me], and to top it off, she has no real accounting knowledge [and another. I want to know how and why all of this went down].
    Still, somehow the audit is the least of her problems.
    [reword/tighten:] Hanging over her is the impending death of her estranged, terminally ill mother. And she can’t manage to contain her blossoming feelings for the accounting instructor she enlists to help her survive the audit.
    Oh, and the woman Robin considers to be the love of her life? She’s back in town, finally ready to try to make things work. [another good hook]
    Robin may think she can confront her greatest challenge [consider changing this to “survive” or “get by” – it’s more dramatic and punchy] by learning to juggle numbers, but if she’s to ever be whole, she’ll have to learn how to juggle much more than that… before she winds up in jail, her mother passes without the two of them reconciling their differences, and the woman she loves disappears from her life once more [consider changing this to “forever” – it may be cliché but in a good way I think. Makes the stakes tighter].

    First 250 Words:
    Thursdays are my favorite days at Pornucopia. [YES! Good beginning.]
    For starters, it’s payday. Seconds [I’d just say “Second”, unless this is part of her voice], it’s in-house filming day, which means I finally [I’d take out the “finally”, because it seems strange in context – unless this is the first Thursday she gets to do it. Then you’d have to reword the whole paragraph] get to work as a talent consultant.
    It really is the simplest of things that make Thursdays the best of days, and there isn’t anything more predictable than the Thursday morning safe-looting operation.
    I keep quiet and enter the back office—my office, technically—and plop to my knees at the base of the filing cabinet. The bottom drawer slides out with a terrible squeak—Jerry still hasn’t lubed it up with that WD40 like he promised—and I remove the tiny safe from it, turning it over in my hands.
    As the combination flows from my fingertips, I imagine the conversation I’ll have with Jerry once I empty the safe and round the corner from my own office and into his.
    “Hey, Jer?” I’ll say.
    “Yeah, Robin?”
    “Only got a few thousand in the safe this week. Still want me to—?”
    He’ll throw his hands up, looking all exasperated. “Always. Go. To. The. Bank. Every Thursday. No matter how much or how little is in there. Always. Go. To. The. Bank.”
    I’ll repeat “always go to the bank” with him as he says it for the second time. “Right. How could I forget?”
    “Never forget.”
    Back in the real world where I’m kneeling in my office, the safe beeps open and I get to counting the fat stack of cash inside. If Jerry’s makeshift receipt can be believed, we’re a tick under sixty-two hundred bucks.

    This. Is. A. Great. Entry. I don’t know how agents/editors are going to keep themselves from wanting to read this.

    1. Hi Elizabeth,

      Thank you so much for your comments! I’m really glad you enjoyed it overall. I love your suggestions for the query; I definitely struggled with the phrasing regarding Robin’s relationship with her mother. With the phrasing you’ve suggested, I think I see a way forward that will help make that section even tighter!

      For the 250 words, “seconds” is totally a voice thing. Robin’s a real folksy gal whose manner of speaking isn’t always what some would consider “proper.” I try to not let that get too out of hand, though, so maybe there’s something to be said for not throwing it in a reader’s face so early.

      Like I said, I’m so glad you enjoyed my submission overall! Thanks again for your feedback. I’d of course be honored to receive one of your final votes should you feel I deserve it 🙂

  2. Hi! Kathy from #TeamRarity here. I will leave my thoughts, please take what inspires your brain and forget the rest!

    When porn-star-turned-accountant Robin Whethers becomes the target of an IRS audit, she figures things can’t get any worse. (DUDE. Nice hook.) She’s unwittingly been at the center of a vast money laundering scheme, and to top it off, she has no real accounting knowledge.
    (So, what is it she wants…to become an accountant? An audit and being involved in money laundering would hinder that!)
    Still, somehow the audit is the least of her problems.

    Hanging over her is the impending death of her terminally ill mother to whom Robin is estranged. Then there’s the accounting instructor she enlists to help her survive the audit: against her better judgement, she can’t manage to contain her blossoming feelings for him.

    Oh, and the woman Robin considers to be the love of her life? She’s back in town, finally ready to try to make things work.
    (Good holy cheezus…this poor woman!)
    Robin may think she can confront her greatest challenge by learning to juggle numbers, (So she is trying to become an aaccountant? Or has just decided to learn to survive the audit?) but if she’s to ever be whole, she’ll have to learn how to juggle much more than that… before she winds up in jail, her mother passes without the two of them reconciling their differences, and the woman she loves disappears from her life once more. (Don’t need the “once more”…just disappears from her life. BAM! Nice stakes! Nice conflict throughout! I wonder about her goals, but otherwise a clear query!)

    First 250 Words:

    Thursdays are my favorite days at Pornucopia. (OMG LOVE THIS)

    For starters, it’s payday. Seconds, it’s in-house filming day, which means I finally get to work as a talent consultant. (Something she really likes? Wants to do?)

    It really is the simplest of things that make Thursdays the best of days, and there isn’t anything more predictable than the Thursday morning safe-looting operation. (THE WHAT…LOLOL! Sounds like fun.)

    I keep quiet and enter the back office—my office, technically—and plop to my knees at the base of the filing cabinet. The bottom drawer slides out with a terrible squeak—Jerry still hasn’t lubed it up with that WD40 like he promised—and I remove the tiny safe from it, turning it over in my hands. (and it feels like what? Cold and unforgiving? Heavy with possibilities? What goes through her mind?)

    As the combination flows from my fingertips, I imagine the conversation I’ll have with Jerry once I empty the safe and round the corner from my own office and into his.

    “Hey, Jer?” I’ll say.

    “Yeah, Robin?”

    “Only got a few thousand in the safe this week. Still want me to—?”

    He’ll throw his hands up, looking all exasperated. “Always. Go. To. The. Bank. Every Thursday. No matter how much or how little is in there. Always. Go. To. The. Bank.”

    I’ll repeat “always go to the bank” with him as he says it for the second time. “Right. How could I forget?”

    “Never forget.” (Lol! Messing with the boss…good times.)

    Back in the real world where I’m kneeling in my office, the safe beeps open and I get to counting the fat stack of cash inside. If Jerry’s makeshift receipt can be believed, we’re a tick under sixty-two hundred bucks. (A receipt she has?)

    Great start! Interesting and amusing. A unique premise for sure.
    Thank you for sharing your words!

    1. Hi Kathy,

      Thank you for your feedback! Your comments were super helpful the last time I was in this event, too, and this time appears to be no different!

      I agree that her goal could perhaps be more apparent in the query. I’m trying to show there’s a balance in the manuscript between a focus on just surviving the audit versus the more transcendent challenges of achieving self-actualization in her journey to find true love and learn to forgive her mother and herself. It’s a lot to juggle, but maybe there’s something to be said for making things more crew cut in the query, so to speak.

      I’m glad you enjoyed the first 250 words 🙂 Your suggestions on clarity, re: why she’s excited about the in-house filming will definitely be incorporated in the next draft, as will the feeling of the safe (and how she feels about it) as she turns it over in her hands.

      I’ll also make it more apparent that Jerry’s receipt is rubber-banded to the wad of cash (that’s where she says “If Jerry’s makeshift receipt can be believed…).

      Thank you again, for your suggestions! I’m happy to know you found it interesting and amusing. If you feel my query merits it, I’d love to have one of your votes once the time comes 🙂 Thanks again, Kathy.

  3. Query:

    When porn-star-turned-accountant Robin Whethers becomes the target of an IRS audit, she figures things can’t get any worse. <> She’s unwittingly been at the center of a vast money laundering scheme, and to top it off, she has no real accounting knowledge.

    Still, somehow the audit is the least of her problems. <>

    Hanging over her is the impending death of her terminally ill mother to whom Robin is estranged. Then there’s the accounting instructor she enlists to help her survive the audit: against her better judgement, she can’t manage to contain her blossoming feelings for him.

    Oh, and the woman Robin considers to be the love of her life? She’s back in town, finally ready to try to make things work.

    Robin may think she can confront her greatest challenge by learning to juggle numbers, but if she’s to ever be whole, she’ll have to [learn how to–delete] juggle much more than that… <>[before she winds up in jail, her mother passes without the two of them reconciling their differences, and the woman she loves disappears from her life once more.–delete this]

    <>

    First 250 Words:

    Thursdays are my favorite days at Pornucopia <>.

    For starters, it’s payday. Seconds, it’s in-house filming day, which means I finally get to work as a talent consultant.

    It really is the simplest of things that make Thursdays the best of days, and there isn’t anything more predictable than the Thursday morning safe-looting operation. <>

    I keep quiet and enter the back office—my office, technically—and plop to my knees at the base of the filing cabinet. The bottom drawer slides out with a terrible squeak—Jerry still hasn’t lubed it up with that WD40 like he promised—and I remove the tiny safe from it, turning it over in my hands.

    As the combination flows from my fingertips, I imagine the conversation I’ll have with Jerry once I empty the safe and round the corner from my own office and into his.

    “Hey, Jer?” I’ll say.

    “Yeah, Robin?”

    “Only got a few thousand in the safe this week. Still want me to—?”

    He’ll throw his hands up, looking all exasperated. “Always. Go. To. The. Bank. Every Thursday. No matter how much or how little is in there. Always. Go. To. The. Bank.”

    I’ll repeat “always go to the bank” with him as he says it for the second time. “Right. How could I forget?”

    “Never forget.”

    Back in the real world where I’m kneeling in my office, the safe beeps open and I get to counting the fat stack of cash inside. If Jerry’s makeshift receipt can be believed, we’re a tick under sixty-two hundred bucks.

    <>

  4. (Please be advised that this is not my genre of specialty, but I will do my best. Opinions can be used as you will. Thanks for participating!)

    When porn-star-turned-accountant Robin Whethers becomes the target of an IRS audit, she figures things can’t get any worse. She’s unwittingly been at the center of a vast money laundering scheme, and to top it off, she has no real accounting knowledge. (This stopped me. How does she have no accounting experience… yet she’s an accountant?)

    Still, somehow the audit is the least of her problems.

    Hanging over her is the impending death of her terminally ill mother (I think it’s ‘from’ whom) whom Robin is estranged. Then there’s the accounting instructor she enlists to help her survive the audit: against her better judgement, she can’t manage to contain her blossoming feelings for him.

    Oh, and the woman Robin considers to be the love of her life? She’s back in town, finally ready to try to make things work. (Nice. Pile it on!)

    Robin may think she can confront her greatest challenge by learning to juggle numbers, but if she’s to ever be whole, she’ll have to learn how to juggle much more than that… before she winds up in jail, her mother passes without the two of them reconciling their differences, and the woman she loves disappears from her life once more. (Don’t give away the ending in your query! I’d end it with “…much more than that.”)

    First 250 Words:

    Thursdays are my favorite days at Pornucopia. (This is funny but is that a realistic name for a porn studio? Seems like you wouldn’t want to draw attention to your business that way…)
    For starters, it’s payday. Seconds, it’s in-house filming day, which means I finally get to work as a talent consultant.
    It really is the simplest of things that make Thursdays the best of days, and there isn’t anything more predictable than the Thursday morning safe-looting operation.
    I keep quiet and enter the back office—my office, technically—and plop to my knees at the base of the filing cabinet. The bottom drawer slides out with a terrible squeak—Jerry still hasn’t lubed it up with that WD40 like he promised—and I remove the tiny safe from it, turning it over in my hands.
    As the combination flows from my fingertips, I imagine the conversation I’ll have with Jerry once I empty the safe and round the corner from my own office and into his.
    “Hey, Jer?” I’ll say.
    “Yeah, Robin?”
    “Only got a few thousand in the safe this week. Still want me to—?”
    He’ll throw his hands up, looking all exasperated. “Always. Go. To. The. Bank. Every Thursday. No matter how much or how little is in there. Always. Go. To. The. Bank.”
    I’ll repeat “always go to the bank” with him as he says it for the second time. “Right. How could I forget?”
    “Never forget.”
    Back in the real world where I’m kneeling in my office, the safe beeps open and I get to counting the fat stack of cash inside. If Jerry’s makeshift receipt can be believed, we’re a tick under sixty-two hundred bucks.

    (I’m confused. Is she lying about how much money is in there? And why is she a talent scout on Thursdays?)

    (Thank you again for participating and best of luck!)

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