Son of a Pitch Team Ursula Entry 7: THE MORTAL COIL – REVELATION

soap-FINALTitle: The Mortal Coil – Revelation

Age and Genre: YA Paranormal

Word Count: 73,000

 

Query:

Seventeen-year-old Aiden Milligan never knew “normal” – not since the night his family fell apart. Staring down a detective and an angel at the same time, he realizes how not-normal life has become.

 Drifting through an uncaring foster system gave Aiden Milligan tough choices, and he often made the wrong ones. When his exceptional grades open the door to the distinguished Covington Academy, Aiden sees a way out of his hellhole and doesn’t look back – until his past catches up. Members of the basketball team end up comatose a day after an altercation with Aiden, and he finds himself a detective’s prime suspect.

 Aiden is determined to clear his name, even if it means teaming up with fellow student Jessie Rivas, a wannabe journalist whose theories are as outlandish as her wardrobe. When comas start plaguing the city, and bizarre symbols are found at the scene of the incidents, Jessie’s occult conspiracies start sounding more plausible than the police reports.

As Aiden begins to receive visions that tie him and the incidents to something larger, he realizes he may be more involved with the case than he thought. With police ready to lock him up, an angel cutting down anything in her way, and the incidents showing no signs of stopping, Aiden may not be able to save the victims or his reputation – or even his life.

 First 250 Words:

Aiden Milligan was no stranger to the hot seat at Covington Academy. It wouldn’t shock him to see his name plate on it one day soon. He usually gave his best efforts to remaining as detached from most people as possible. Despite this stance, or perhaps because of it, he’d become well-acquainted with Covington Academy’s principal during the two years he’d attended – in all the worst ways. Most of the students and faculty just avoided him like the plague, but not Principal Hadley. In his seventeen years, Aiden had never met anyone else who could match his own bull-headed resolve. The man was bound and determined to churn out the model youths and future world changers for which Covington Academy was renowned.

Aiden begrudgingly admired that on some level. He’d appreciate it more if it weren’t being directed at him.

“Well, Aiden, thank you for coming,” Hadley said as he dropped into the all-too familiar wooden chair with a resigned grunt.

Aiden looked up at the dirty-blonde, slightly balding man sitting behind the impenetrable oak desk and raised an eyebrow. They both knew good and well that he wouldn’t be here if he had the choice. But Hadley always had been a stickler for formalities.

Hadley seemed to be waiting for an answer that wasn’t coming. This was his show; Aiden participated as an unwilling audience.

“Yes, well,” Hadley continued, moistening his thin lips. “To business.”

He folded his hands on his desk, his eyes narrowing.

“This morning, there was an incident.”

 

7 thoughts on “Son of a Pitch Team Ursula Entry 7: THE MORTAL COIL – REVELATION”

  1. Query:
    This is an intriguing query. I think you could remove the first paragraph-your second paragraph is hookier, in my opinion. The only other thing that bugs me here is the fact that I’m not really sure how the angel fits in. She shows up in the first paragraph and in the last one, but I don’t know anything else about her. I’d either take her out or tie her more directly to other events.

    250
    The first two sentences you could combine: “Aiden had spent so much time in Covington Academy’s hot seat, he kept expecting them to inscribe his name on it.” I stumbled over the second sentence a bit – I’d clean it up, something like, “He made his best effort to stay detached from most people.”

    Awesome entry!

  2. Query:
    Seventeen-year-old Aiden Milligan never knew “normal” – not since the night his family fell apart. (Normal hasn’t been a part of 17 yo AM’s life since the night his family fell apart. ) Staring down a detective and an angel at the same time, he realizes how not-normal life has become. (But staring down a detective and an angel at the same time has left him wondering when it became so weird/strange/not-normal?)
    An uncaring foster system gave Aiden Milligan tough choices. Often he made the wrong ones. But his exceptional grades have opened the door to the distinguished Covington Academy and a one-way ticket out of this hellhole. Aiden doesn’t look back – until his past catches up with him. Members of the basketball team (at the new school? Was he a fighter before?)end up comatose a day after an altercation with Aiden, and he finds himself a detective’s prime suspect.
    Aiden is determined to clear his name, even if it means teaming up with fellow student Jessie Rivas, a wannabe journalist whose theories are as outlandish as her wardrobe. (fun, so love this) When comas start plaguing the city, and bizarre symbols are found at the scene of the incidents, Jessie’s occult conspiracies start sounding more plausible than the police reports. (Nicely worded)
    As Aiden begins to receive visions that tie him and the incidents to something larger, he realizes he may be more involved with the case than he thought. With police ready to lock him up, an angel cutting down anything in her way, and the incidents showing no signs of stopping, Aiden may not be able to save the victims, his reputation – or even his life. (This sentence rocks. Period)

    You have a strong voice in the query and the intrigue level is good. Plot and characters sound good. Small suggestions/questions/comment made ☺
    First 250 Words:
    Aiden Milligan was no stranger to the hot seat at Covington Academy. (At this rate, there’d be his name plate on it one day soon.) He usually gave his best efforts to remaining as detached from most people as possible. Despite this stance, or perhaps because of it, he’d become well-acquainted with Covington Academy’s principal during the two years he’d attended – in all the worst ways. (great sentence! Love all your reveal here) Most of the students and faculty just avoided him like the plague, but not Principal Hadley. In his seventeen years, Aiden had never met anyone else who could match his own bull-headed resolve. The man was bound and determined to churn out the model youths and future world changers for which Covington Academy was renowned.
    Aiden begrudgingly admired that on some level. He’d appreciate it more if it weren’t being directed at him.
    “Well, Aiden, thank you for coming,” Hadley said as he dropped into the all-too familiar wooden chair with a resigned grunt.
    Aiden looked up at the dirty-blonde, slightly balding man sitting behind the impenetrable oak desk and raised an eyebrow. They both knew good and well that he wouldn’t be here if he had the choice. But Hadley always had been a stickler for formalities.
    Hadley seemed to be waiting for an answer that wasn’t coming. This was his show; Aiden participated as an unwilling audience.
    “Yes, well,” Hadley continued, moistening his thin lips. “To business.”
    He folded his hands on his desk, his eyes narrowing.
    “This morning, there was an incident.”

    This is a great first 250. Fun, full of voice and revealing. Loving Aiden’s character already :).

  3. I made some changes to the query, mostly with regards to the angel. It was too difficult to try to work her in without getting too wordy. Thanks for all the feedback!

    Aiden Milligan knew his life wasn’t normal, but it took breaking into the school gym to hunt for spell sigils to realize how far from normal his life really is.

    Getting good grades was the only thing Aiden Milligan didn’t screw up while drifting through the foster system. When his exceptional scores open the door to the distinguished Covington Academy, seventeen-year-old Aiden sees a way out of his hellhole and doesn’t look back – until his past catches up. Members of the basketball team end up comatose a day after an altercation with Aiden, and he finds himself a detective’s prime suspect.

    Aiden is determined to clear his name, even if it means teaming up with fellow student Jessie Rivas, a wannabe journalist whose theories are as outlandish as her wardrobe. When people start collapsing into comas all over the city, and bizarre symbols are found at the scene of the incidents, Jessie’s occult conspiracies start sounding more plausible than the police reports.

    As Aiden begins to receive visions that tie him and the incidents to something larger, he realizes he may be more involved with the case than he thought. With police ready to lock him up, a mysterious girl with a vendetta cutting down anyone in her way, and the incidents showing no signs of stopping, Aiden may not be able to save his reputation or the victims – or even his life.

    1. Love the changes!
      “Getting good grades was the only thing Aiden Milligan didn’t screw up while drifting through the foster system. ” I’d say “His grades were the only thing…”

      The last sentence of the revised query is a bit long. I like the mysterious girl with a vendetta, but there may not be room for her in the query.

      1. I agree that it is getting a bit long. I tried to substitute it with something shorter (and a bit more relevant, I suppose). If you think it would work better with just the mention of police and the incidents, please let me know! I made some revisions to the 250 as well.

        QUERY:
        Aiden Milligan knew his life wasn’t normal, but it took breaking into the school gym to hunt for spell sigils to realize how far from normal his life really is.

        His grades were the only thing Aiden Milligan didn’t screw up while drifting through the foster system. When his exceptional scores open the door to the distinguished Covington Academy, seventeen-year-old Aiden sees a way out of his hellhole and doesn’t look back – until his past catches up. Members of the basketball team end up comatose a day after an altercation with Aiden, and he finds himself a detective’s prime suspect.

        Aiden is determined to clear his name, even if it means teaming up with fellow student Jessie Rivas, a wannabe journalist whose theories are as outlandish as her wardrobe. When people start collapsing into comas all over the city, and bizarre symbols are found at the scene of the incidents, Jessie’s occult conspiracies start sounding more plausible than the police reports.

        As Aiden begins to receive visions that tie him and the incidents to something larger, he realizes he may be more involved with the case than he thought. With police ready to lock him up, a coven out for blood, and the incidents showing no signs of stopping, Aiden may not be able to save his reputation or the victims – or even his life.

        250:
        Aiden Milligan spent so much time in Covington Academy’s hot seat, he kept expecting them to engrave his name on it. Even his shadow dragged its feet as he trudged to the principal’s office, repeating that all-too-familiar question.

        What had he done now?

        Aiden made a point to stay detached from most people at Covington Academy. He’d become well-acquainted with Principal Hadley, however, during the two years he’d attended – in all the worst ways. Most of the students and faculty avoided him at all costs, but Hadley either didn’t get the memo or took it as a challenge. In his seventeen years, Aiden had never met anyone who could match him in bull-headed determination. The man was going to churn out the future world changers for which Covington Academy was renowned, like it or not.

        Aiden begrudgingly admired that on some level. He’d appreciate it more if it wasn’t directed at him.

        “Well, Aiden, thank you for coming,” Hadley said as he entered the office.

        Aiden looked up at the dirty-blonde, balding man behind the impenetrable oak desk and raised an eyebrow. They both knew he wouldn’t be there if given the choice. But Hadley was the poster boy for pointless formalities.

        Aiden looked at the uncomfortable wooden chair in front of him. No plaque yet. Shame. He plopped down and took interest in a spot over Hadley’s shoulder.

        “Yes, well,” Hadley continued, moistening his thin lips. “To business.”

        He folded his hands on his desk, eyes narrowed.

        “This morning, there was an incident.”

  4. New QUERY:
    Aiden Milligan knew his life wasn’t normal, but it took breaking into the school gym to hunt for spell sigils to realize how far from normal his life really is. (I like this!)

    His grades were the only thing Aiden Milligan didn’t screw up while drifting through the foster system. When his exceptional scores open the door to the distinguished Covington Academy, seventeen-year-old Aiden sees a way out of his hellhole and doesn’t look back – until his past catches up. Members of the basketball team end up comatose a day after an altercation with Aiden, and he finds himself a detective’s prime suspect. (How is this his past catching up?)

    Aiden is determined to clear his name, even if it means teaming up with fellow student Jessie Rivas, a wannabe journalist whose theories are as outlandish as her wardrobe. When people start collapsing into comas all over the city, and bizarre symbols are found at the scene of the incidents, Jessie’s occult conspiracies start sounding more plausible than the police reports.

    As Aiden begins to receive visions that tie him and the incidents to something larger, he realizes he may be more involved with the case than he thought. With police ready to lock him up, a coven out for blood, and the incidents showing no signs of stopping, Aiden may not be able to save his reputation or the victims – or even his life. (What is he trying to do to help himself?)

    My one thing is the past catching up with him. I have no idea what that means. This story intrigues me! Sigils, people in comas, and a strange friend? Cool!

    Revised 250:
    Aiden Milligan spent so much time in Covington Academy’s hot seat, he kept expecting them to engrave his name on it. Even his shadow dragged its feet as he trudged to the principal’s office, repeating that all-too-familiar question. (In a school, anyone else around? What does he see, hear?)

    What had he done now? (Love this opening)

    Aiden made a point to stay detached from most people at Covington Academy. He’d become well-acquainted with Principal Hadley, however, during the two years he’d attended – in all the worst ways. Most of the students and faculty avoided him (I thought “him” here meant Hadley, since you mentioned him last) at all costs, but Hadley either didn’t get the memo or took it as a challenge. In his seventeen years, Aiden had never met anyone who could match him in bull-headed determination. The man was going to churn out the future world changers for which Covington Academy was renowned, like it or not.

    Aiden begrudgingly admired that on some level. He’d appreciate it more if it wasn’t directed at him.

    “Well, Aiden, thank you for coming,” Hadley said as he entered the office.

    Aiden looked up at the dirty-blonde, balding man behind the impenetrable oak desk and raised an eyebrow. They both knew he wouldn’t be there if given the choice. But Hadley was the poster boy for pointless formalities.

    Aiden looked at the uncomfortable wooden chair in front of him. No plaque yet. Shame. He plopped down and took interest in a spot over Hadley’s shoulder.

    “Yes, well,” Hadley continued, moistening his thin lips. “To business.”

    He folded his hands on his desk, eyes narrowed.

    “This morning, there was an incident.”

    I love this! I’m intrigued. I like Aiden and want to know him better.

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