Son of a Pitch Team Ursula Entry 5: THE SPOONSTERS OF PROSPERITY ISLAND

soap-FINALTHE SPOONSTERS OF PROSPERITY ISLAND

Adult Women’s Fiction

73,000

 

 

Query: 

Nothing is as it seems on Prosperity Island. Everyone has a secret, especially Amelia, the new wife of William Prelioux, heir to a billion-dollar real estate firm. But unlike the others, Amelia has everything to lose if she’s found out, including her home and her income.

 For both survival and show, she’ll embrace five women with different backgrounds. Each will fill a void in her life, but it’s only after an all-expense paid getaway, that the group becomes the Spoonsters. Amelia will trust these women with everything she can, but not her past, until one day she lets it slip where she’s from.

 When her true identity is exposed at a town function, Amelia disappears, and her friends become desperate to find her and bring her home.

 250 Words:

Amelia’s clothes were laid out on the four-columned, Roman-inspired bed—white silk dress, nylons, and a feathered hat. She’d never worn anything but a knit cap on her head in winter and the white goose feathers itched at her ear.

She slid on her outfit and peered at her reflection in the full-length mirror: Money don’t make class. Her dead grandmother’s words cycled through her mind. How you treat others, that’s class.

William, her husband of three months, came from the bathroom. “Hands to your side, dear.”

Amelia was standing tall in heels, fitted as an heiress should be, but her arms were covering her stomach. 

“And no crossing.” William placed her arms by her sides. “Makes you look taut and fussy.”

 Amelia nodded. She had spent enough time with him to know he meant her no harm. It’s why she married him, well that, and the promise of his trust fund.

She fixed her hair one last time, held her shoulders back, and walked toward the door. What she was about to do would take all the courage she could muster from both the living and the dead.

 It wasn’t the event Amelia feared. The League of Women was holding a fundraiser for a good cause, William told her. What scared Amelia was the thought of being rejected by those in attendance.

The day would mark Mrs. Amelia Prelioux’s debut to the Prosperity Island’s most elite residents. These introductions would determine her future. Accepted or rejected, there was no going back, and there was never any going home. 

 

7 thoughts on “Son of a Pitch Team Ursula Entry 5: THE SPOONSTERS OF PROSPERITY ISLAND”

  1. Query:
    This is an engrossing concept.

    I’m a little vague on what the Spoonsters are – I’m assuming it’s a name they give themselves to signify their unity, but I would clarify this just slightly. I’m also vague on whether she lets slip to her friends where she’s from, or if it’s exposed at a town function. If it’s both, I assume it’s one of her friends that betrayed her, which leaves me confused why they’re desperate to bring her home. So I’d clarify.

    I would change it from “Amelia will trust these women with everything she can, but not her past,” to “Amelia trusts these women with everything but her past.”

    250:
    First paragraph – I’m confused how the feathers are itching her ear if the hat is still on the bed.
    He tells her in two different ways to put her hands at her sides. I’d combine these.
    “…fitted as an heiress should be…” I’d say “fitted out”, but maybe that’s dialect.
    This is really intriguing, and I want to keep reading.

  2. Query:
    Nothing is as it seems on Prosperity Island. Everyone has a secret, especially Amelia. (I’d make that a sentence on its own.) (As the new wife of William Prelioux, heir to a billion-dollar real estate firm, she XXXX – will do anything to protect her life/ the life she leads now?. But unlike the others, Amelia’s secret will destroy/erase everything if she’s found out, ( including her home and her income – )
    For both survival and show (Or insulation?, she embraces five women with different backgrounds (also on PI?). Each fill a void in her life. After an all-expense paid getaway, the group bond and becomes the Spoonsters.(Add name origin or hint) Amelia now trusts these women with everything, except her past. (I really like this approach.) ,( until one day she lets it slip where she’s from. – a little more set-up)
    When her true identity is exposed at a town function, Amelia disappears. The Spoonsters become desperate to find her and bring her home before? Amp up the states a little – is her life on the line?.

    Query is off to a good start. Tighten a few details and make the character, conflict and stakes clear. W don’t know much about Amelia except she married a rich guy and has a secret. Age? Is her secret one she’s carried since childhood? Don’t have to lay it on the line but bring it in the ball park for clarity.

    250 Words:
    Amelia’s clothes were laid out on the four-columned, Roman-inspired bed—white silk dress, nylons, and a feathered hat. She’d never worn anything but a knit cap on her head in winter and the white goose feathers itched at her ear. (If she never wore anything but a knit cap on head, how doe she know the feathers itched? )
    She slid on the outfit and peered at her reflection in the full-length mirror: Money don’t make class. Her dead grandmother’s words cycled through her mind. (did she have and accent or use a certain tone?) How you treat others, that’s class. (Grandmas are always smart ☺)
    (Did her hands press down the side of the silk against her skin. Was dressing like this going to be hard to get used to? Is she thinking anything about how this feels?)
    William, her husband of three months, came from the bathroom. “Hands to your side, dear.”
    Amelia was standing tall in heels, fitted as an heiress should be, but her arms were covering her stomach.
    “And no crossing.” William placed her arms by her sides. (Can you share something about his touch? The way his neatly manicured fingers gripped her arms? Give her reaction of him? For example -There was a tension about William that showed in his movements making him seem mechanical at times.?) “Makes you look taut and fussy.”
    Amelia nodded. (Taut and fussy? I’d been called worse? Reaction? He meant her no harm.( His hang ups and obsessions? Were) why she married him, well that, and the promise of his trust fund.
    She fixed her hair one last time( – brushing her long blonde, or short dark or shoulder length hair back form her face? Use this opportunity to throw in a physical feature), held her shoulders back, and walked toward the door. What she was about to do would take all the courage she could muster from both the living and the dead.
    Amelia didn’t fear the event itself. The League of Women fundraiser was for a good cause, William told her.( And their presence was required? Maybe add a comment that supports his control and concern of public perception?)What scared Amelia was the thought of being rejected by those in attendance.
    The day would mark Mrs. Amelia Prelioux’s debut to the Prosperity Island’s most elite residents. These introductions would determine her future. Accepted or rejected, there was no going back, and there was never any going home. (Love that line – loaded with implications.)

    250 off to a good start. I’d tinker a bit to add a few more details/reactions/thoughts so the reader can feel present in the scene and fully get the vibe between Ameila and William. Enjoyed reading!

    All suggestions are IMHO and are meant to be thought provoking, maybe helpful, but not gospel. Take ‘em, leave ‘em. This is your rodeo, so it’s up to you. Best of luck🙂

  3. Hi Elsie,

    I’ll work on adding some more detail. Thank you for your time and suggestions.

    Your rodeo comment at the end made me think of the mechanical bulls at a Myrtle Beach attraction I visited this past weekend. I now want to go back and ride the bull and not fall off as a metaphor for this writing life.

    Maybe you don’t have to take the bull by the horns, maybe you can simply strap yourself to the Bulls back somehow until the ride is over, and as long as you persevere to the end, you win.

    Here’s to tangents and procrastinating. Now back to work!

  4. Query:

    Nothing is as it seems on Prosperity Island. Everyone has a secret, especially Amelia, the new wife of William Prelioux, heir to a billion-dollar real estate firm. But unlike the others, Amelia has everything to lose if she’s found out, including her home and her income. (I think you can tighten it up a bit. Everyone has a secret. Amelia, the new wife of William Prelioux, heir to a billion-dollar real estate firm, has everything to lose if hers is discovered.)

    For both survival and show (what does that mean?), she’ll embrace five women with different backgrounds (People from the island?). Each will fill a void (what voids? What is she looking for to complete her life?) in her life, (Just a little tweak…”…with different backgrounds, each filling a void in her life.) (but it’s only a-delete) After an all-expense paid getaway, (that-delete) the group becomes the Spoonsters. Amelia will trust these women with everything she can, but not her past, until one day she lets it slip where she’s from. (WHERE IS SHE FROM?)

    When her true identity is exposed at a town function (Her trusted group spilled the beans?), Amelia disappears, and her friends become desperate to find her and bring her home.

    How is the book told? How many POVs? I thought the ms would be Amelia’s POV, but if she disappears, then who tells the story? What is Amelia seeking? Her friends, The Spoonsters, what is their role in the story? What will the group go through to find her? If they don’t find her…what happens?

    250 Words:

    Amelia’s clothes were laid out on the four-columned, Roman-inspired bed—white silk dress, nylons, and a feathered hat. She’d never worn anything but a knit cap on her head in winter and the white goose feathers itched at her ear (I thought she didn’t have it on yet? Or has she worn it before and isn’t looking forward to wearing it again?).

    She slid on her outfit and peered at her reflection in the full-length mirror: Money don’t make class. Her dead grandmother’s words cycled through her mind. How you treat others, that’s class. (She thinks she look classy? Is she happy how she looks?)

    William, her husband of three months, came from the bathroom. “Hands to your side, dear.”

    Amelia was standing tall in heels, fitted as an heiress should be, but her arms were covering her stomach. (Her reaction here. Does she like being told how to act?)

    “And no crossing.” William placed her arms by her sides. “Makes you look taut and fussy.”

    Amelia nodded. (Would she do anything he says? How does she like being called taut and fussy?) She had spent enough time with him to know he meant her no harm (No harm? Sounds like …love?). It’s why she married him, well that, and the promise of his trust fund (Hmmm…money.).

    She fixed her hair one last time (With her hat on?), held her shoulders back, and walked toward the door. What she was about to do would take all the courage she could muster from both the living and the dead.

    It wasn’t the event Amelia feared. The League of Women was holding a fundraiser for a good cause, William told her. What scared Amelia was the thought of being rejected by those in attendance. (To be accepted…yes.)

    The day would mark Mrs. Amelia Prelioux’s debut to the Prosperity Island’s most elite residents. These introductions would determine her future. Accepted or rejected, there was no going back, and there was never any going home. (That’s a great line to leave on! I really want to know what happens next and what has happened!)

    This is very intriguing! From just a short bit of the ms, we can tell there’s so much more to Amelia.

  5. It would be her debut as the wife of William Prelioux, heir to a billion-dollar real estate firm. Whether Amelia was accepted or rejected by those in attendance, there was no going back, and there was never any going home.
    William had laid her clothes on the four-columned, Roman-inspired bed—white silk dress, nylons, and a feathered hat.
    She slid on her outfit and peered at her reflection in the full-length mirror: Money don’t make class. How you treat others, that’s class. Her dead grandmother’s words cycled through her head.
    William came from the bathroom. “Hands to your side, dear.”
    Amelia was standing tall in heels, fitted as an heiress should be, but her arms were crossed over her ribcage.
    “Remember half of gaining trust comes from the way you hold your hands. Keep them open and people will be open to you,” he said. “Makes you look taut and fussy when you tuck them away.”
    Amelia nodded. She had spent enough time with him to know he meant her no harm. It’s why she married him, well that, and the promise of his trust fund.
    She fixed her hair one last time, pinning on her oval hat. She’d never worn anything but a knit cap on her head in winter and the white goose feathers itched at her ear.
    Amelia appeared to be a refined southern woman, like the magazines, but she felt like an imposter, and didn’t like the way her black and white striped Manolos squeezed her toes into a point, or how her spiked heels got caught in the cracks of their private parking garage floor.

    (Still refining, but this is what I have so far 🙂 Thanks to all who volunteered their time!

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