Son of a Pitch Team Ursula Entry 3: TRANS LIBERTY RIOT BRIGADE

soap-FINALTitle: Trans Liberty Riot Brigade

Age and Genre: Adult

Word Count: 79K

 

Query:

Andi knows being born a queer intersex “s/he” has lethal consequences. But s/he ain’t going to spend h/er life hiding, hooked on Jet, and wanking tourists just to make a few bucks. S/he’s joined up with the Trans Liberty Riot Brigade, an underground faction of s/hes resisting the government’s war on their illegal genitalia. But it’s not enough to tag shithouse walls and sniff down the next high anymore. The government has begun a series of sweeps to crush the resistance and though Andi might be nothing but a junktard, s/he does know the only way they’re going to stay alive is to send a call for help before they’re all killed—or worse, surgically assigned. Andi, together with Brigade leader Elenbar, must get beyond the communications block preventing all radio transmission, which means crossing the seaboard Wall barricading the United Free States borders. It’s designed to keep enemies out and the citizens in, but amid increasing earthquakes and deadly pursuit, Andi will discover there’s a far more dangerous secret hidden deep within the Wall itself.

First 250 Words:

“Oh yah? Well, fuck off then, you faggin’ wanker!”

He’s a penny pickle dick anyhow.

I walk into the men’s public shithouse, slammin’ the door behind me. The splintered starburst of mirror glitters under the yellow lights. The reflection’s sportin’ a shaggy haircut like someone’s gone faggin’ buggers with a pair of kitchen shears. Pupils blown black and wide with the upshot of Jet coursin’ through my veins.

That pickle fucker ripped my skirt.

I pop the edge of the pink frill up, inspectin’ the ripped seam. Take a beat to check my bulgin’ panties in the grimy mirror. Lookin’ not quite a she or a he these days. More—Lord-in-heaven—like one of them dangerous s/he Transgressors the news is always shriekin’ about. The burnin’ brown eyes glare back, darin’ me to speak, to say somethin’—except ain’t no one but myself lookin’ at myself. Just a faggin’ s/he junkie.

I approach the urinals squattin’ against the far wall. Smell of piss cakes and wankin’ stains waft through the air, a strong reminder of this location’s dual purpose. I peek under stall doors, but there ain’t no tourist trout loafers tappin’ a signal for a blowie or a pop-off. Don’t matter though.

There’s other work to be done. I slip down my pants and jut my pubic bone and mini-man toward one of the white bowl interiors. Urine spurts and I huff with relief. There ain’t no company to gawk at me and unlike squattin’ in lady piss stalls, it’s good.

4 thoughts on “Son of a Pitch Team Ursula Entry 3: TRANS LIBERTY RIOT BRIGADE”

  1. Query:
    This is a KICKASS concept, and I love the voice. In fact, the only thing that’s bugging me are the pronouns. The main problem I think being that I’d have no idea how to pronounce them in conversation, and that maybe it seems too…I don’t know, confused, a mixture of two pronouns instead of a completely new one that, in my opinion, would be more accurately descriptive.

    I faced this same problem…the book I just finished drafting has an intersex main character. I made up my own pronouns but there are actually accepted genderless pronouns, which I didn’t use for various reasons. Using unfamiliar pronouns will still be distracting, but I think less so than what you have here.

    Though you may have good reason in context to use these pronouns, in which case ignore me.

    250:
    This is great – love the voice, and I get a great picture of this gritty world – I’m extremely into gritty worlds, and I know for sure that I would read this book. I don’t know if you start in the right place, though. While I’m not huge on following rules with regard to “don’t have your MC look in a mirror” and all that, I think this is too soon for us to be given this much information, even though the character does hook me and I’m left wanting to know why s/he is apparently turning intersex instead of being born that way, I think you could hook us better if you started with a different scene and left us guessing about the true nature of h/er intersex identity. You might even want to start with the scene before this, because it sounds like it was interesting.

    Thank you for the awesome entry.

  2. Query:
    Andi knows being born a queer intersex “s/he” has lethal consequences. But s/he ain’t going to spend h/er life hiding, hooked on Jet, and wanking tourists just to make a few bucks. (Great opener). S/he’s joined up with the Trans Liberty Riot Brigade, an underground faction of s/hes resisting the government’s war on their illegal genitalia. But (it’s) not enough to tag shithouse walls and sniff down the next high anymore. (Had to read sentence twice to understand. I’d name what the it is in it’s. Feel like there’s a piece missing here.) The government has begun a series of sweeps to crush the resistance and though Andi might be nothing but a junktard, s/he does know the only way they’re going to stay alive is to send a call for help before they’re all killed—or worse, surgically assigned. Andi, together with Brigade leader Elenbar, must get beyond the communications block preventing all radio transmission. Reaching out for help means crossing the seaboard Wall barricading the United Free States borders that is designed to keep enemies out and the citizens in. Amid increasing earthquakes and deadly pursuit, Andi will discover there’s a far more dangerous secret hidden deep within the Wall itself.

    A little tinkering but hard core love the tone and the phrasings. Age is an important – helps with immediate visualization. Also, date could help. This feels future dystopian but hard to gauge how far ahead this is.
    Great job.

    First 250 Words:
    “Oh yah? Well, fuck off then, you faggin’ wanker!”
    He’s a penny pickle dick anyhow.
    I walk into the men’s public shithouse, slammin’ the door behind me. The splintered starburst of mirror glitters under the yellow lights. The reflection’s sportin’ a shaggy haircut like someone’s gone faggin’ buggers with a pair of kitchen shears. Pupils blown black and wide with the upshot of Jet coursin’ through my veins.
    That pickle fucker ripped my skirt.
    I pop the edge of the pink frill up, inspectin’ the ripped seam. Take a beat to check my bulgin’ panties in the grimy mirror. Lookin’ not quite a she or a he these days. More—Lord-in-heaven—like one of them dangerous s/he Transgressors the news is always shriekin’ about. The burnin’ brown eyes glare back, darin’ me to speak, to say somethin’—except ain’t no one but myself lookin’ at myself. Just a faggin’ s/he junkie.
    I approach the urinals squattin’ against the far wall. Smell of piss cakes and wankin’ stains waft through the air, a strong reminder of this location’s dual purpose. I peek under stall doors, but there ain’t no tourist trout loafers tappin’ a signal for a blowie or a pop-off. Don’t matter though.
    There’s other work to be done. I slip down my pants and jut my pubic bone and mini-man toward one of the white bowl interiors. Urine spurts and I huff with relief. There ain’t no company to gawk at me and unlike squattin’ in lady piss stalls, it’s good.

    I like the boldness of the tone set by Andi’s character and the slang. Your first 250 feel authentic and almost addictive. This is just great. I’d definitely keep reading.

  3. Query:

    Andi knows being born a queer intersex “s/he” has lethal consequences. But s/he ain’t going to spend h/er life hiding, hooked on Jet, and wanking tourists just to make a few bucks. S/he’s joined up with the Trans Liberty Riot Brigade, an underground faction of s/hes resisting the government’s war on their illegal genitalia. But it’s not enough to tag shithouse walls and sniff down the next high anymore. The government has begun a series of sweeps to crush the resistance and though Andi might be nothing but a junktard, s/he does know the only way they’re going to stay alive is to send a call for help before they’re all killed—or worse, surgically assigned. Andi, together with Brigade leader Elenbar, must get beyond the communications block preventing all radio transmission, which means crossing the seaboard Wall barricading the United Free States borders. It’s designed to keep enemies out and the citizens in, but amid increasing earthquakes and deadly pursuit, Andi will discover there’s a far more dangerous secret hidden deep within the Wall itself.

    I want to know a time for this…it feels as if it takes place in the future. I like the world building, feels real and gritty. What is the secret in the Wall? What is the choice Andi must face? If they don’t get beyond the Wall, what will happen?

    First 250 Words:

    “Oh yah? Well, fuck off then, you faggin’ wanker!”

    He’s a penny pickle dick anyhow.

    I walk into the men’s public shithouse, slammin’ the door behind me. The splintered starburst of mirror glitters under the yellow lights. The reflection’s sportin’ a shaggy haircut like someone’s gone faggin’ buggers with a pair of kitchen shears. Pupils blown black and wide with the upshot of Jet coursin’ through my veins.

    That pickle fucker ripped my skirt.

    I pop the edge of the pink frill up, inspectin’ the ripped seam. Take a beat to check my bulgin’ panties in the grimy mirror. Lookin’ not quite a she or a he these days. More—Lord-in-heaven—like one of them dangerous s/he Transgressors the news is always shriekin’ about. The burnin’ brown eyes glare back, darin’ me to speak, to say somethin’—except ain’t no one but myself lookin’ at myself. Just a faggin’ s/he junkie.

    I approach the urinals squattin’ against the far wall. Smell of piss cakes and wankin’ stains waft through the air, a strong reminder of this location’s dual purpose. I peek under stall doors, but there ain’t no tourist trout loafers tappin’ a signal for a blowie or a pop-off. Don’t matter though.

    There’s other work to be done. I slip down my pants and jut my pubic bone and mini-man toward one of the white bowl interiors. Urine spurts and I huff with relief. There ain’t no company to gawk at me and unlike squattin’ in lady piss stalls, it’s good.

    I love this. I was captivated. The language is fabulous, world building and we haven’t left the bathroom. What does s/he want to say to h/er reflection? What does s/he want? Does s/he think there’s more to life than this?

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